An Honest Conversation (With Myself)

 Everything that I have written post graduation has been sad. It all feels incredibly un-relatable and not worthy to put into a world that doesn't need more work that is centered around an internal struggle that is extremely personal. This has been a battle. How personal should one allow oneself to get, on the internet? There is a layer of protection of course, me writing this down on a blank page, for another person to click on and read if they so choose, maybe leave a comment, and that be the extent of the interaction. But oversharing has always been something I struggle with. Am I oversharing by allowing people to take a glimpse into my mind? They way it works, thinks, and processes? The words on this page are coming straight from my mind and onto this no longer blank space. That feels like a very personal thing to me. 

Being an authentic person is actually really hard. I think about it, probably, way too much. How to truly be authentic. How to not be a person that is saying things simply for the reaction that they receive, to genuinely like something without it being a facet of my personality that has been personalized so people like me more. Posting things that will engage the interest of people that I don't even speak to. All of these things have made it hard for me to write. Because everything that everyone says will be read and interpreted differently by each individual person. This is both horrifying, and intriguing. Being a writer means constantly allowing the world to look inside your mind, hoping to God no one calls you crazy, or even worse, boring. I sit with myself a lot, wondering if there is anyone on this planet that thinks the way that I do. Which on the surface sounds like an incredibly self centered thought, but deeper than that, is a true worry that I will never actually authentically connect with someone. 

For some time now, my mind has not felt like a safe space. I have not trusted the creative work that has been produced by it because it is coming from a place that I don't fully trust. Not trusting your own mind is the worst kind of trap. There is literally nowhere to go. Except to social media, blindingly scrolling through thousands of posts, videos, pictures, and to the thoughts of other people, that maybe, can be trusted more than my own. So I sit and scroll, wondering when the time will come that I feel like myself again. When I can sit quietly and be reflective, without the harshness of my own mind coming at me with its doubts and fears and anxieties and anger. Thankfully, I know that time is coming as I have been working nonstop, everyday, every minute, on my mental health. It is a never ending back and forth, but eventually, I know I will make it out better. 

Deconstructing your mind and building it back up is easily the hardest thing I have been tasked to do. Tasked by myself, of course, but nevertheless, a journey I have chosen and sought out. Part of this journey is giving myself the permission to take up space. For my thoughts to take up space. My opinions, hopes, likes, dislikes, and everything in between. This post is not wasted space. It is a testament to myself that at least, I could write this down. 

I can see the life that I want for myself so clearly, so real right in front of me that if I reached out, the wisps of it would touch my fingertips. But I have yet to be able to hold on. That is where I am right now. And that's okay. Things take time. 

So I will continue to worry if this is oversharing, or not sharing enough, but at least I had the courage to finally write something that may resonate with someone else. Just maybe. 


 

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