The Trees Changed Every Season, and So Did I.

 I can't talk about being proud of myself without crying. Over time I taught myself that my growth had no significance amongst an entire world that is constantly growing. Maturity was inevitable, everyone around was also going through the same thing and somehow that transferred into never understanding the importance of acknowledging that for myself. The trees changed every season, and so did I. 

Big deal. 

But now that I am doing less changing of who I am and finding more ownership, there is an undoubtedly large chunk of love missing from my insides. My love. Pride in myself is nearly nonexistent. The trees must be proud of themselves for making it another year. For changing colors and blooming again after a cold, long winter. 

I cannot properly grow without the most crucial ingredient. 


There is so much to do to get ready for the world, and I have found myself continuing to add to that list, but this has risen to the top. I came to this realization after stumbling upon two videos that I made of myself talking to my computer during my freshman year of college, and my sophomore year. Without first watching them, I made an update of where I am today - Adrian College graduate, moved back home for the time being, 22, on the hunt for jobs. I started this small tradition for myself when I learned that I liked to have a little bit of documentation of my world every now and then. So I made my updated video (these are strictly for myself and my files so when I look back at them when I am 70 I can giggle about the inconveniences and experiences of my young adult life) and went back to watch the other two. In all three videos, I found that when I got to the point of talking about how proud I am of myself for what I had gotten through, or done, or accomplished, I started tearing up. Every time. Then there is a pause to gather myself, and I move forward. What is that about? Why does acknowledging my worth bring me to tears? 

Ownership over who I am has to be my next step forward. I want to be able to stand up tall and with clear eyes say to a crowded room "I am proud of myself!" I don't want to second guess my worth anymore. I don't want to hold onto everyone else's problems and feel that I am somehow the root of them. I want to heal. I want to have hard conversations and be confident in my opinion and voice. I want to succeed under my definition of success. 

So much of my life up to this point has felt like survival. Strictly surviving every day and not soaking in the simplicity of existing has been exhausting. Being emotionally exhausted is arguably in my top five most uncomfortable feelings. Being exhausted means not having any love left at the end of the day for yourself, too. 

This last week has been completely new for me. My identity thus far has been my education. Now when someone asks what my plans are I can no longer answer "Well I'll be a [insert year of school here] next year, and I am looking forward to my classes." I have had to sit with the knowledge that come next fall, I will not be cooking in the kitchen with my sisters, or watching an ungodly amount of tv with my roommate. Or writing a paper for which I want nothing more in the world than to get an A on. All of this is okay, but what will help me move forward with a strong step, is ownership over who I have become. It's being able to hang out with myself and not feeling guilty for it. For looking at myself every day and believing that I deserve to be healthy and happy to the fullest extent. 

I don't know what next year looks like for me. I don't know where I am going to be yet. But I'd like to be able to record myself making my yearly update without crying over being proud of myself. Unless they're happy tears - that I can live with. 


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