Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Miss Americana" Documentary

When I think about being a woman, I think about minimization, and the destruction of one’s self. As young women, we are taught as early as elementary that there are unspoken rules that need to be followed. Don’t be too loud, don’t dress too provocative, let the boys stack the chairs after class, say sorry even if you don’t know what you’re saying sorry for, fit in everywhere, and if you don’t fit in, fix yourself so that you will. Even if these are not blatantly taught, these are the messages that are communicated to girls through our language, and non verbal communication. What does this mean for when you become a woman? Why is it, that when leaving high school the primary goal is to “find yourself”? 

After being released from the constrictions of middle and high school, young women set out on a journey of reimagining what their lives could look like. Who do you want to be, what do you want to be known for? Rebuilding your interests, your clothing choices, and who your friends are. Why is it that we are so constantly questioned about who we want to be?  

I have been living the hardest year of my life. Which I think we could all say, that this past year has felt like an eternity. It has taken me a very long time to sit down and write about how I’m doing. Quite honestly, I didn’t think it was an appropriate time to share. My experience is not the one that needs attention right now, and I stand by that wholeheartedly. But that doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge it. 

There is something within us all that we feel needs to be heard. Now, more than ever, people are speaking up about what and who they believe in. This is a beautiful thing. Self expression is a powerful tool and I have been embarking on a journey of waking up to the world around me, and I hope that is the same way you feel. Certainly, this makes living exceptionally harder. Exposing the truths and hardships of those around us is heartbreaking. But it is a necessity. Change can only come with the acknowledgement of a problem. 

Part of my waking up has given me a chance to really think about the position that women hold in this country. It is not uncommon for women to wake up and feel drained. Constantly trying to prove oneself to family members, partners, bosses, teachers, the list goes on. But where does that leave us at the end of the day? Feeling empty, and like we’ve perfectly crafted a person that can function within society, but not when she’s alone and spending time with herself. 

And we’ve been spending a lot of time home, alone. 

I realized that there is a lot that I don’t know about myself. That I had been functioning on my “people” mode. Extroverted, can handle anything thrown at me, overloading my schedule and saying yes to everything. And then that all came to an abrupt stop. Suddenly, we needed to take that contact away, spend time alone in hopes that our country would recover from being the center of a global pandemic. I had no idea what to do with myself. I tried yoga, taking walks, watching Disney+ excessively. One day, after having simply moved from the bed to the couch and nothing else that day, I walked into the bathroom and stared into the mirror. I studied myself hard. I didn’t really know who I was looking at. Tears filled my eyes and before I knew it, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, and I was thrown into the largest panic attack I had ever experienced. What am I supposed to do if I don’t recognize myself? I hadn’t been doing anything different, just living as well as I could during this time, but then it hit me. I didn’t know what to do with myself if I wasn’t doing something for another person. Of course, I had been alone before, and those times always came as a relief. And that was because my life was so overwhelmingly full of pleasing other people, I needed it. But this was two months into quarantine, waking up everyday and sitting around waiting to find something I felt joy in. Why hadn’t I found that yet? 

It’s not just about finding something you find joy in, but what you believe in. It’s easy to jam pack your day so full you are cutting yourself out of the reality of others. Being too busy to stick up for what you believe in. Not using your voice for action, because you felt like you’ve spoken too much during the day and simply surviving our own realities. It’s time to speak our truths. 

Black lives matter. They have always, and will always matter. 

Trans women are women. 

Health care should be free for all. 

Our earth is dying. We are it’s plague. 

Sexuality is fluid. 

Gender is a social construct. 

Normalize putting pronouns into social media bios, and adding it to name tags at meetings and conferences.

Our teachers are underpaid, overworked, and undervalued. 

Pay the working class a living wage. 

TIP YOUR SERVERS. 

Your vote matters. 

Always believe the victim. Sexual assault is real, and it is happening. 

Call out your friends for participating in rape culture. 

Accept that people can re-educate themselves. Create an environment of recognizing a fault, and re-learning. 

It’s been too long that I’ve felt that I’ve needed to stick to the narrative of my own reality. That I should only speak on my hardships. But if we don’t create a culture of recognizing the hardships of a demographic, how are we ever going to move forward? I want to feel full and proud at the end of my day. I want to go to bed feeling like I used my voice, and my time, to lift up those that need it. I want to spend my alone time with enough energy to keep learning. I want to learn for the rest of my life. Learning is something I find joy in.

I hope you find joy in something soon too. We are all navigating in a world that likes to throw us around, and it is time to learn to be uncomfortable. Being a woman is uncomfortable sometimes. Being alone is uncomfortable sometimes. But once we acknowledge these things, we can learn how to be comfortable again.