The sun will come back, brighter than ever
My dad has been nudging me to write for months now. And every time I say I will, with the full intent of doing it at some point. But whenever I open my laptop, or a notebook, I genuinely don't know where to start. I think I've been avoiding writing about myself and how I'm doing, because once I write about it, there's no going back. I will actually have to face how I am feeling. Which is not good. Kind of bad, actually. I know that today is definitely a heightened emotional day for me, so that will be projected onto this, but that's okay. Maybe I'm feeling more honest today.
Today, May 5th, I was supposed to leave for Italy. Gone for the rest of the month, two weeks with a group from my school, and two weeks with two of my good friends here at Adrian. Those second two weeks we were going to be alone, backpacking around and exploring the country and ourselves. I didn't realize how upset I was about this delay of my trip until today. I think I was relying heavily on the opportunity to do some soul searching. I've never been out of the country before, let alone practically on my own in a different country. I was so excited to see if I would thrive in my environment, if I am capable to adapting to that reality. That was going to help me figure out my future, because what if I want to live in a different country when I'm older? Maybe I would find that I am more comfortable outside of the U.S.
My job at the school being put on hold, being kept from seeing my family, and finishing school online really has taken a toll on me emotionally. I have been trying my hardest to make the most of this time, but it's hard. I've been employed since I was 15, and I haven't not had a job since. It keeps my brain moving, as well as my body. I love the feeling of making money for myself from hard work. I am good at what I do, and I thrive in being able to practice my people skills, and problem solving. Without that, I am left to spend my time thinking about the reality of the world.
Very recently, I lost my grammy. My family lost a mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. Seeing her would always lift everyone's spirits, and getting even ten minutes to yourself with her at a family gathering was the highlight of the evening. She always had something to say, or a piece of advice to throw your way. At our last Thanksgiving, I had the pleasure of sitting next to her and filling her in on my life. She told me she was so proud of what I was dedicating my time to, and that she was looking forward to hearing about my time overseas. I was looking forward to talking to her about it.
Also, I finished my junior year of college. Next year, I'll be a senior once more, celebrating my lasts. My last college homecoming and football game, my last classes with professors I have grown to love. My last college world print edition. My last sorority formal. This doesn't make my heart hurt, but it does hurt for all of the people who missed out on these things. It's not fair that those who have worked incredibly hard to get to their senior years of college (and high school) and don't get to celebrate the way everyone else has. I am so thankful we have been keeping each other safe by cancelling events, but I understand the frustration that the world is feeling about missing out on traditions. This is hard. And that's okay to say. Normally at the end of the year I put something out there to celebrate the end, but I've been having a hard time thinking about how the year ended. Online classes were extremely difficult for me, and I am not finishing the way that I wanted. It's hard for me not to be perfect, or end in a perfect way, and I haven't learned how to cope with that yet.
Part of the reason I am feeling so unnerved about my reality, I think, is because of something my dad and I had just talked about. There are certain realities that children of divorce have, that are unavoidable. I've said it before and I will continue to say it: my parents did a fantastic job at putting their children first after separating. I grew up spending equal time with my parents and families. But, my brother and I sacrificed some things by being constantly on the move. We sacrificed the reality of having roots. Of feeling grounded and secure in one place. I've always said my family is my home, which is true. But there is a sense of urgency that I have felt within myself since the day I started going back and forth between my parents homes. The minute I set my bags down in one place, the clock started ticking before heading back to the other. I didn't spend more than a week at a time in one place, and this has made me incredibly antsy. So you could imagine how this quarantine may be effecting me. I am completely on board with my governor and the choices she has made, and my biggest concern is the health and safety of my family and those around me. But being forced to stay in one place with no where to go as someone who is constantly on the move, has brought up some feelings and emotions I haven't had to deal with. Am I ever going to be able to settle down? Without feeling anxious or like I need somewhere to go? I don't know. That scares me. It scares me to think about always being on the move, but it also scares me to think about staying in one place forever. I am the most comfortable when I am just floating along, waiting to be caught on a sedimentary object for a while, and eventually being let go to continue floating.
I wrote one little line in my notes on my phone a few weeks ago and it went like this: I felt as insignificant as the spit from brushing my teeth that leaked down the drain.
I forgot I had written it and found it yesterday. Sometimes I worry about myself, and how I'm doing. This little entry confirms that I have been struggling. Earlier today, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I do have to admit, after writing this, I feel a little better. My dad is always right when it comes to writing. Getting it down on a page is the best way to work through your reality.
Here are some good things to remind myself of:
1) My family does family game nights on Saturdays over zoom, and I really enjoy that.
2) Devon has been incredibly patient with me, and has opened his apartment to me to stay with him. Without him, I would truly be on my own here. Even if we argue about picking up clothes off the ground, he has made me feel the most at home that I've ever felt.
3) Even though I struggled, I am one year closer to finishing my degree. College is hard and anyone who says different is lying.
4) My mom always, always answers when I call. Sometimes I call her just because I need to cry a little, or I can't figure out if my pancakes look normal or not, and I am so thankful that our relationship has grown to where it is today.
5) I have reconnected with some friends over this time, and that has been really heartwarming.
6) I have been doing some hard soul searching during this stay at home order, different searching than what I would do overseas, but it's been important. I have learned a lot about the way that I work and what I need to keep my head above the water.
I know I write lists a lot, but this is something I am learning that helps me compartmentalize my thoughts. I will probably always be apologizing to myself and to others for never writing as consistently as I need to, but I'm glad I did this today. I hope you all are staying happy and healthy, and that you are letting yourself feel during this time. I know I am.
Today, May 5th, I was supposed to leave for Italy. Gone for the rest of the month, two weeks with a group from my school, and two weeks with two of my good friends here at Adrian. Those second two weeks we were going to be alone, backpacking around and exploring the country and ourselves. I didn't realize how upset I was about this delay of my trip until today. I think I was relying heavily on the opportunity to do some soul searching. I've never been out of the country before, let alone practically on my own in a different country. I was so excited to see if I would thrive in my environment, if I am capable to adapting to that reality. That was going to help me figure out my future, because what if I want to live in a different country when I'm older? Maybe I would find that I am more comfortable outside of the U.S.
My job at the school being put on hold, being kept from seeing my family, and finishing school online really has taken a toll on me emotionally. I have been trying my hardest to make the most of this time, but it's hard. I've been employed since I was 15, and I haven't not had a job since. It keeps my brain moving, as well as my body. I love the feeling of making money for myself from hard work. I am good at what I do, and I thrive in being able to practice my people skills, and problem solving. Without that, I am left to spend my time thinking about the reality of the world.
Very recently, I lost my grammy. My family lost a mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. Seeing her would always lift everyone's spirits, and getting even ten minutes to yourself with her at a family gathering was the highlight of the evening. She always had something to say, or a piece of advice to throw your way. At our last Thanksgiving, I had the pleasure of sitting next to her and filling her in on my life. She told me she was so proud of what I was dedicating my time to, and that she was looking forward to hearing about my time overseas. I was looking forward to talking to her about it.
Also, I finished my junior year of college. Next year, I'll be a senior once more, celebrating my lasts. My last college homecoming and football game, my last classes with professors I have grown to love. My last college world print edition. My last sorority formal. This doesn't make my heart hurt, but it does hurt for all of the people who missed out on these things. It's not fair that those who have worked incredibly hard to get to their senior years of college (and high school) and don't get to celebrate the way everyone else has. I am so thankful we have been keeping each other safe by cancelling events, but I understand the frustration that the world is feeling about missing out on traditions. This is hard. And that's okay to say. Normally at the end of the year I put something out there to celebrate the end, but I've been having a hard time thinking about how the year ended. Online classes were extremely difficult for me, and I am not finishing the way that I wanted. It's hard for me not to be perfect, or end in a perfect way, and I haven't learned how to cope with that yet.
Part of the reason I am feeling so unnerved about my reality, I think, is because of something my dad and I had just talked about. There are certain realities that children of divorce have, that are unavoidable. I've said it before and I will continue to say it: my parents did a fantastic job at putting their children first after separating. I grew up spending equal time with my parents and families. But, my brother and I sacrificed some things by being constantly on the move. We sacrificed the reality of having roots. Of feeling grounded and secure in one place. I've always said my family is my home, which is true. But there is a sense of urgency that I have felt within myself since the day I started going back and forth between my parents homes. The minute I set my bags down in one place, the clock started ticking before heading back to the other. I didn't spend more than a week at a time in one place, and this has made me incredibly antsy. So you could imagine how this quarantine may be effecting me. I am completely on board with my governor and the choices she has made, and my biggest concern is the health and safety of my family and those around me. But being forced to stay in one place with no where to go as someone who is constantly on the move, has brought up some feelings and emotions I haven't had to deal with. Am I ever going to be able to settle down? Without feeling anxious or like I need somewhere to go? I don't know. That scares me. It scares me to think about always being on the move, but it also scares me to think about staying in one place forever. I am the most comfortable when I am just floating along, waiting to be caught on a sedimentary object for a while, and eventually being let go to continue floating.
I wrote one little line in my notes on my phone a few weeks ago and it went like this: I felt as insignificant as the spit from brushing my teeth that leaked down the drain.
I forgot I had written it and found it yesterday. Sometimes I worry about myself, and how I'm doing. This little entry confirms that I have been struggling. Earlier today, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I do have to admit, after writing this, I feel a little better. My dad is always right when it comes to writing. Getting it down on a page is the best way to work through your reality.
Here are some good things to remind myself of:
1) My family does family game nights on Saturdays over zoom, and I really enjoy that.
2) Devon has been incredibly patient with me, and has opened his apartment to me to stay with him. Without him, I would truly be on my own here. Even if we argue about picking up clothes off the ground, he has made me feel the most at home that I've ever felt.
3) Even though I struggled, I am one year closer to finishing my degree. College is hard and anyone who says different is lying.
4) My mom always, always answers when I call. Sometimes I call her just because I need to cry a little, or I can't figure out if my pancakes look normal or not, and I am so thankful that our relationship has grown to where it is today.
5) I have reconnected with some friends over this time, and that has been really heartwarming.
6) I have been doing some hard soul searching during this stay at home order, different searching than what I would do overseas, but it's been important. I have learned a lot about the way that I work and what I need to keep my head above the water.
I know I write lists a lot, but this is something I am learning that helps me compartmentalize my thoughts. I will probably always be apologizing to myself and to others for never writing as consistently as I need to, but I'm glad I did this today. I hope you all are staying happy and healthy, and that you are letting yourself feel during this time. I know I am.
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