Adulthood - What even is that?

Today I'm pondering the idea of adulthood. Actually, I've been rolling this idea around in my head for a while, trying to see if there is a way for me to clearly and concisely define it. In the simplest terms, I believe adulthood to be complete independence and reliance on oneself. That makes sense to me. Where it gets a little fuzzy, is when that truly begins. When and who decides when adulthood should begin for each person? The law says 18, but we all know that not all of our parents made us pack up our things, and leave their homes on the day of our 18th birthdays. We (as a collective term for my peers) were just graduating high school at this time. I know I still relied heavily on the help and guidance of my parents. Now I'm 20. And I still require those same things from them.

Even though I do not need my parents in the same way I did when I was in high school, or really any time before that, their support is still present within my life. What I'm thinking about is, does that ever really go away? I can imagine myself in my 30's...40's even and still looking to my four parents for words of advice and love and support. Now hopefully by then I will be financially stable and have my own insurance and all that jazz, but why do we associate adulthood with only relying on oneself to get through this chaotic/hectic/down right brutal, thing we call life? I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I have to continuously work on not putting myself down for the help I receive from my parents, because I KNOW how expensive this stage of life is for young adults. College is gut-wrenchingly expensive nowadays, but I don't need to tell you that. That's just a fact. And it can get very, very overwhelming when I start thinking about that word that looms over my head every single day: adulthood.

A few weeks ago, I woke up and felt incredibly off about something. I couldn't put my finger on it, until I was smack dab in the middle of a full anxiety attack about what in the world I am going to do with myself when I graduate college. Because holy shit, the world is scary. And I mean that in the realest, most sincere way. I don't even know if I could put into words how terrified I am to be out somewhere in the world, working, living alone, figuring out things like health insurance, buying a car, or how to assemble furniture...these are the things I am scared of. Weird, right? Maybe not, I know that this is such a common worry for us as we tiptoe to the end of college, and wonder about the day when we are considered real adults.

What I do know, is that behind that anxiety is the strongest feeling of excitement. Anxiety and excitement, what a weird combination of emotions. I think about adulthood the same way I would think about doing something like cliff diving. Terrifying, could go very wrong, but also could be thrilling and new and beautiful. That's what I'm choosing to hold onto as I navigate through the deep waters of this time in my life. There is so much to be seen, so much to be read and written and people to meet, that heading out on my own looks like a beautiful opportunity to continue growing. Which is something I hope to do my whole life: grow. I am a strong believer that (if you choose) growing as a person never truly comes to an end. How could it? Challenges are meant to be faced, hardships are meant to be had, and growth should be a constant reminder of what life is trying to teach you.

I'll leave you with this: this last week I read a piece of poetry in my American Literature class by Wallace Stevens called "The Emperor of Ice-Cream". At first I didn't even notice this line, but after hearing it read by my professor it has stuck with me. "Let be be finale of seem." I hope you find something in this, because I found a sense of peace I didn't know I needed.